Quip Hits

A number of short statements, commentaries, and useless insights collected over the last mumble-mumble months.

On Technology

Top Facebook group: “I’m not yelling…I’m Italian…thats how we talk.”

Top Facebook group that someone ought to start: “Walking around naked makes me feel sexy.”

Some weeks ago, I posted “Coconut” to my Facebook status, and no one noticed. Do you know how much that hurts?

If you have to force viewers not to skip over your video ads, then you’re obviously showing them the wrong ads.

Dear spammer: How do you know that an extra inch would even fit in my pants?

Sunday afternoon is the best time to get on Twitter, because al the e-marketing gurus are off for the weekend. (Also because that’s when #writechat occurs!)

I just added more blogs to my feed reader than there were on the entire Internet a few years ago.

Another worthy domain name that should’ve been considered more carefully for ambiguity: goredforwomen.org.

On Entertainment

Star Trek is no longer a guilty pleasure of mine… Not guilty, because a lot of those stories are pretty good. The Love Boat, however, still is.

In any case, I don’t know how they make it through the galaxy in a ship as fragile as the Enterprise.

Hey! It’s Tomolok the Romulan. He’s dead now, you know. (But he’ll always be G’Kar to me.)

Ugh. Gack! Now I know that Pippi Longstocking wears green underwear. Little girls should learn to keep their knees together.

The new A-Team movie will probably be fun, but they’ll never outdo the original cast.

Happy happy cow cow! Happy happy cow cow! SING IT WITH ME! Happy happy cow cow cow. Moo! (In honor of California cows, to the tune of the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” song.)

Porky Pig just suggested to Daffy Duck that he see a speech therapist for his lisp. (Gail Bishop, of From the Ashes of Courage, would not find that funny.)

On Politics

If a CEO squanders the stockholder’s money, he goes to jail. And if a politician squanders the public’s money, he gets reelected to Congress.

Q: How do you know a politician is lying? A: His lips are moving.

We believe gravity is real only because space aliens are controlling our minds. Fortunately, the FBI and CIA can protect us from the space aliens, thus allowing us to fly. (A commentary on political logic.)

I marveled at the incentives, when I discovered that the penalties when my daughter was late for school were worse than when she was absent.

Did you know that no not even one child has ever been poisoned by Halloween candy?

On Writing

Every time someone implies that I don’t have “a job,” I should thank them for furthering my writing career.

As a writer, I always have to look up the difference between “heroin” and “heroine”: one is a drug; the other is a female protagonist.

On Life, Love, and Relationships

Having a scruffy beard is really cool, and sexy, too, except when you’re trying to lick the last of the spaghetti sauce off the plate.

The Missus has no reason to fear that I will ever cheat on her: between a wife and two daughters, there’s simply no room for any more women in my life. I honestly, seriously, don’t understand how men in polygamous cultures can emotionally support multiple wives.

Ladybugs are so cute! Except when they start swarming near the entrance to your apartment.

After we moved the goldfish bowl next to the turtle tank, the turtle kept trying to swim through the glass.

Do boogers freeze? (As a parent, you sometimes get asked questions like this.)

The plea of a stay-at-home dad: “I want a day off from being a mom.”

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