Commander Data, the android– er, artificial life-form– from Star Trek: The Next Generation once asked, “What is funny?” He was answered with blank stares and um‘s and uh‘s. But I think I know what it is.
Funny is an incongruity that makes backwards sense.
Here are a set of incongruities that made me guffaw, all voiced by real, live comedians. And in some cases, dead ones, too. I can’t even really explain why some of these made me laugh, but they all did.
Enjoy!
-TimK
“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.” (Bobcat Goldthwait)
[Yeah. Me, too, by the way. Me, too!]
“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” (Elayne Boosler)
[But how do you keep track of all the keys?]
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” (Bob Ettinger)
[On the other hand, you never know what level of service you’re going to get with a temp.]
“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” (Sue Murphy)
[Yeah, but… Sorry, I was going to say something, but I forgot what it was…]
“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.” (Billiam Coronell)
[You could always get one of those hairless cats, instead.]
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'” (Richard Jeni)
[Hey, it’s better than going in the other direction, to Boston. There, you don’t even get the crime or poverty. (But you do get to experience unabashed snootiness, first-hand.)]
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” (George Carlin)
[Oh, God, that’s depressing…]
“Parents are not interested in justice. They’re interested in peace and quiet.” (Bill Cosby)
[Amen! The most enjoyable times of my day are when the kids are out. Either out to school, or out cold.]
“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” (Rita Rudner)
[Hey, that ain’t nothin’ compared to the next 18 years!]
“Technology frightens me to death. It’s designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers – which is why almost no technology ever works.” (John Cleese)
[Hey, I resemble that comment! (Oh darn. He’s right, though.)]
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” (Dave Barry)
[Could someone explain to me why this is funny?]
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” (Lily Tomlin)