Get Me a Piece of That Action

As you may know, I’m a big fan of Penn & Teller’s Showtime series, Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, in which the trickster duo exposes, rips apart, and generally makes fun of various nonsense: mediums who claim to talk to the dead, acupuncturists, feng shui consultants, other new-age practitioners, self-help gurus, conspiracy theorists, big-foot hunters, politicians…

This is a sordid world in which huckstering pseudo-scientists—with just enough truth to appear plausible—prey on the fears, inadequacies, and delusions of innocent people, for money. And watching these jerk-wads rake in the cash, I’m overtaken by a single, unmistakable conviction—

I am so in the wrong line of work!

I mean, I’m a writer, a storyteller, at least as good a storyteller as they are. Why should I be starving, teetering on the edge of bankruptcy? Why shouldn’t I be raking in mountains of moolah?

So here’s my new ad campaign, adapted and ripped off from the best bullshitters in the business. After reading the following, you’ll see why you should immediately buy all my books and give me all your money. Trust me: you’ll be better off if you do. Here’s why.

Do you have any problems?

Do you ever suffer from low energy? Low endorphins? Anger? Depression? Psychosis? Schizophrenia? Hallucinations? Delusions? Bedwetting?

Did you know that reading the right novels can actually cure you of these maladies?

Yes, it’s really true. Because I don’t write my books like just any other author. I design them using a very specific process, based on ancient principles now lost to most modern authors. These principles were honed over thousands of years, through ancient mathematical calculations that were developed through centuries of empirical observation.

Moreover, each story element is tuned, calibrated to a very specific earth vibration, based on its rotation, spinning every 24 hours on its axis, in a 365-day elliptical orbit around the sun, and the 26,000 year procession of the Zodiac. Nothing is left to chance. Nothing is by accident.

This is very important, because if you read the wrong fiction, it could actually harm your psyche, rather than helping it.

Unlike mass-market drugstore novels, my stories are not escapes from reality, but are part of it. Each one is aligned to one of your chakras. So they spin them around, clean them out, and realign them. Reading these stories exercises the mind-body connection, releasing endorphins into the bloodstream. This relaxes you, eases you of stress, and allows your immune system to strengthen.

This is why my books have also been effective in curing physical maladies, including carpal tunnel syndrome, lyme disease, cataracts, glaucoma, sciatica, retinal disorders, cancer, acid indigestion, autism, brain damage, macular degeneration, eczema, infections, multiple sclerosis… and can even grow you and make you more confident with the opposite sex.

Reading too many of my books can even be addicting, because of the relaxation and release of endorphins, and you could actually experience endorphin poisoning. Fortunately, most people don’t have enough money or shelf space to collect that many books.

Don’t just take my word for it!

Listen to these satisfied customers:

“When I first started to read it, I was kinda tense. But once I laid down and got comfortable, it really started working for me. Now I feel better than ever!” (Kimberlee R, Jackson, TN)

“I was reading one of Tim’s books, and the flu I had suddenly receded! Now I read everything he writes!” (Willie H, Black Forest, CO)

“It’s amazing! I can actually feel the difference.” (Daffodil L, Schenectady, NY)

“It’s a life-changing experience. It infuses your soul with peace and harmony. Eases tension in the body.” (Bernard D, Kokomo, IN)

You don’t even have to read the books!

That’s right. Just buying them and putting them on your shelf produces a strong enough impact on the space-time continuum to significantly improve your life.

That may sound too good to be true, but scientific experiments have shown that just the act of choosing produces a strong enough reaction to set you on the path to health and wealth.

“I slept with the book, and by the morning, the pain in my arm had disappeared!” (Alyse T, Oblong, MO)

“I bought the book intending to read it, but I didn’t. Still, withIn about 2 or 3 months after buying the book, my knee was without pain… I don’t know how or why it works, but it works!” (Tarah J, McKeesport, PA)

In fact, just buying multiple copies of a single title, to lend out or give away to friends, can produce a positive reaction.

What about claims that I’m a huckster?

It pains me that anyone would fail to take advantage of the wonderful opportunity I offer my readers. But the sad truth is that there are bound to be those naysayers who simply can’t see the truth in front of their face, and so they’ll never be helped.

It’s true that we can’t officially, scientifically say we can cure anything, but that’s the argument of a skeptic. And for those that don’t believe, nothing is possible. For those that do believe, anything is possible.

Truthfully, I don’t see myself as a celebrity at all. I see myself as a servant. I provide a service. When people read my stories, they come back to me and tell me, “Thank you, for writing this for me. I don’t know what I would have done without it.” So what can I do? Wouldn’t it be a sin to keep it all to myself?

Give me all your money!

It’ll make you feel good and increase your health.

Besides, I’m gonna need it to fend off all the lawsuits…

Till next time!
-TimK