Just When You Think You Might Not Be So Out of Touch…

… someone throws you a reminder.

The AARP has tried this before, but now they’re getting desperate. They’ve sent me letters inviting me to join their organization. Some mailing-list marketer probably got the idea that since I’m no longer employed by an idiot in an office somewhere, I must have retired. I’m neither old enough nor crazy enough for that. (Even if I were “retired,” I’d rather eat fried ants than to join the AARP.) But more to the point…

I’m still working!

Okay, so maybe I haven’t turned out new product in donkey’s years. That’s just because I’m incompetent. (At keeping a schedule, and at focusing on what I’ve started until I finish it. But that’s a different blog post.) The point here is that just when I remind some friend or relative for the umpteenth time that, yes, writing actually is real work, the AARP pulls something like this.

Having perceived ineffective their cries of “Join us! Join us! (You old coot),” now they’ve upped the ante. They’ve actually sent me a plastic AARP “enrollment” card. This card serves as my temporary membership card, after I send in the enclosed form along with my $16 check. (Apparently, new AARP members do not know how to use the Internet, nor do they have credit cards.)

But what a deal! Along with my $16 AARP membership, I get a free 12-month membership for my spouse (who is also not retired), the “award-winning AARP The Magazine,” which will help me “feel great, save money and have fun”— I dunno; I’m kinda having fun just writing this. Uh… I also get access to “exclusive” products, like health insurance, dental coverage, eye care, and “pharmacy.” And 10 whole issues of the AARP Bulletin!

But wait! There’s more! I also get “discounts on hotels, car rentals, cruises, home security, cell phone service, and more.” (Okay, that part about hotels and cruises kinda sounded a little good.)

And as if that weren’t enough, I get “representation in Washington and all 50 states” to lobby for a government agenda that would actually harm my children and grandchildren and that makes me throw up just a little.

If that doesn’t convince me, I also receive a “FREE Insulated Travel Bag.” (Emphasis in original.) But it seems, only if I do not send cash. (Uh, I’m sure I read that wrong.)

So, bottom line, here I am trying to convince myself that I’m engaging in something that will result in some ultimate good for the world, and every time I begin to think that I might be making headway, I find out even the AARP thinks I’m wrong.

Gee. Thanks.